I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.