I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Seems kinda suspicious
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
