Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Good morning

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.