I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
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When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.