Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

technically true but not a great slogan

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.