I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Bike is short for Bichael.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.