I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
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[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
that would 100% work on me
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Monica just destroyed the internet
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!