I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.