Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul