I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I am also baked goods
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.