I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
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Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
dictator is short for richard potato
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva