Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.