Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.