I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Truly one of the great bangers
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
When I laugh on my period
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter