I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
he was correct
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.