I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
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*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I don’t make the rules sorry
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
much to think about
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION