@Mr_Bum_to_You

I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.

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@Cheeseboy22

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

@envydatropic

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

@xkattxhca

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

@david8hughes

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

@ComedySpeech

Sharks aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.

@balloonsmatt

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

@TheRealPalMal

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

@iwearaonesie

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

@WeissBrandon

Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it’s clearly a peanut butter and jelly

Wife: did you just call me “waitress”?

@noog

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.