New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
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I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Sharks aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it’s clearly a peanut butter and jelly
Wife: did you just call me “waitress”?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.