Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.