I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.