Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

This is hilarious….

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

how to screw with your cat’s head 101