Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box