I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
You Might Also Like
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.