Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Is this the real life?
Is this just

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Mhm.

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Do ducks feel sad?

No, they feel “down”cast.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now