Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

choose your fighter

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies