I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
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*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM