Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.