Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

early stone age tool

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words