Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Flowers bee like