I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
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I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
the three genders
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?