Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry