Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perfect

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk