I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
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Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.