Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.