I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
You Might Also Like
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
every. time.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.