Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

I didn’t realize that was an option

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner