I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
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I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I ate everything, including the H.