Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

me in a relationship:

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*