I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
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Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
the girlies are turning into genghis khan