I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

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I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face


My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week


My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.


Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*


When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.


ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.


Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.


cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine


The self-checkout screen says “Finish and pay.” I feel like I’m with an irritable hooker.


Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35