I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
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On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.