I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
peeping toms
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
*aggressively waits in line*
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.