Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.