I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
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Tell the people what she wore…
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
🤣
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
New menu item
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.