I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Are these grass-fed oranges?
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools