I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
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I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
This is me
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
peak technology
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor