Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis