Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”