Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”