Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Never deleting this app.

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Black Friday “markdowns” like

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”