I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone