I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I need this for my side hustle.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
sleeping beauty
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone