I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
You Might Also Like
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.