Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

2022 be like

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds