Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.