I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers