Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

as the prophecy foretold

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.