I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Breaking news:
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.