I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
You Might Also Like
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
And bowling should be called pinball
just arby’s bein’ a bro
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.