I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?