Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

My guardian angel deserves a raise

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

the pigeons are already plenty salty

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*