Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

very niche meme I made

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry