Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.