Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.