Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

*seductively corrects your posture*

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Monday Lisa

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*