Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.