i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
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“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Need this in my life lol
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
About to throw up
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation