Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?