Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Don’t tell me what to do

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.