i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.