Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.