I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
car not found
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.