I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
How software testing works
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.