I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
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Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”