i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems