i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
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Godspeed, John Glenn
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[montage of me giving-up]
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The booster protects against what, now?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot