i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
concern
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?