i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.