i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”