I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.