I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’